DISH

Saturday, September 22, 2007

OK it's Yom Kippur. In a few hours I will need to go and atone for all my shit. So I'm going to squeeze this post in to the previous year's apologies before I run out of time.

I'm not sure that's kosher but whatever.

I have been spending some time on the kids' grade school campus over the past few weeks. I take them to school most every day - which is really fabulous, they are so sweet and cute in the morning and I get to see all their little friends and their parents. And then a little volunteering here and there, and open houses, meeting the teachers, learning how to use the kiln (oh no don't ask)... and it's a big dose of the little people.

And their MOMs.

If you want to see the entire fall line of LL Bean and Talbot's on a runway... come to our grade school at around 8:05.Further, despite the fact that statistically, the US is becoming more ethnically diverse and might I say, chunky... here is the body type of pretty much every mom I encounter. To the point where I have a difficult time keeping them straight.

She can eat cake off my head/she is like 5'11". She has her act way more together than I do. She has rolled out of bed looking perky and eats egg whites. She greets other moms by saying "Hey gorgeous!" She's 37. She has Had Work.

Here is the most common work:


Is it really necessary to have lips as big as your ears? And they are starting to look more like ears. When a big breeze comes, do they flap? Do you say more "b's" because they are just unwieldy... maybe there is speech therapy to learn how to speak with the new lips?

There are also a lot of Boobs That Aren't Hers walking around. Your boobs should not enter a room before you. They should not stick straight forward like cannons. They should definitely not be bigger than your butt.

Also and maybe this is just me. But you should not be able (or desire) to wear your daughter's clothing. There is an alarming mother/daughter Amanda Bynes thing going on.

I'm excited to say I'm different. I have roots. I'm only a little taller than their 6th graders (who are well on their way to 5'11"). I have all my original parts. They may not be so exciting, but they are mine. OK I could use her workout tips and her personal chef. And some of the perkiness to rub off on me. Maybe this will be good for me?