Friday, June 16, 2006
School's out. At our house, this means only one thing: camp's in session.
What amazes me is the amount of literature the camp feels we dumb adults actually need to get our kids to camp successfully.
When I was interviewing for graduate school, I went to a campus at which all the buildings were connected by an underground labyrinth. I was given a small slip of paper with cryptic directions. I had to share an elevator with a corpse and saw parts of buildings people seldom see. Needless to say, I was able to make it to the interview on time and actually, I am around to talk about it now, so I clearly made it back too.
Still, here I am, 20 years later, and apparently I need what amounts to a detailed handbook to tell me how to prepare my kids for camp.
Honestly, after reading all the material -- and somehow, there needed to be 2 completely different sets for each of my kids -- it all boils down to just a few simple Commandments. Someone should just put them on a tablet someplace. And then maybe smite the first couple heathens that don't do this stuff so everyone else pays attention.
- Signeth ye the liability waiver. Otherwise neither hand nor foot may be set in the camp.
- Camp hours are from 8 - 3:30. Seek not the aftercare, we haveth not.
- Woe be to the parent picking their child up after 3:30, they must wait in the Late Parent area and we will chargeth such a parent $15 per quarter hour or fraction thereof for such a sin.
- Apply thine own sunscreen when thou risest up. Covet not thy neighbor's sunscreen, as he may not enjoy the same Number SPF as you. Instead, bring thine own sunscreen to the camp.
- Sendeth with your child one extra set of dry clothing. A swimming suit does not count, for it is not intended to remaineth dry.
- Dresseth the child in closed-toe shoes. By this we mean, shoes that sealeth the foot all the way round. Flip flops are good to pack, as they may be used at the pool. However, do not sendeth the child in flip flops, as they are not closed-toe, as evidenced by the openings nearest the front and also, those that are present in the back.
- Yea though you walkest by the coffee shoppe, there is not a place for your child to buyeth lunch. You must sendeth a sack along with drink and snack. The camp does not refrigerate nor heat-up what you have sent, so avoid those Things Which Melt or which Must Be Melted.
- The camp provideth no towels, nor absorbent material of any kind save for toilet paper.
- Labeleth thine own items well with such black waterproof marker as is the good kind.
- Your child's camp counselor is Mitzi, Trixi, or Kua Lani, we haveth no other names for these. If you haveth questions about These Commandments, please beseech thy child's counselor, but thou must waiteth until after day camp is recessed.
3 comments:
I have two comments. First: What kind of religion requireth a child’s foot to remain completely shod and bound? What happened to letting kids run around barefoot in the Summer?!
Second: When I encounter a situation of dumbfounding excess, as in piles of useless information, documents, etc. I always appease my confoundedness with; "Well, it creates jobs."
Mitzi and Trixi?
Yes! Well, it creates a job for each age group, apparently! Ah, human ingenuity.
What goes around comes around. Amen.
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