RETIREMENT: THE MOVIE

Thursday, July 31, 2008

I am in the midst of making a little compilation for you of our trip to Branson for my mother-in-law's 80th... of course I have no footage of the apparently *hilarious* trip I had sliding down the wet hill, and you have already sort of seen a sneak preview with the smiling badger.

But by popular demand! One thing I wanted to post completely separately is a conversation I witnessed and taped between my brother-in-law Larry, my sister-in-law Nancy (the one who's laughing her ass off) and my sister-in-law Linda (who in this film totally takes a swig out of a liter bottle of Dr. Pepper - I was too busy laughing at Larry to notice this but it made me laugh so hard when I watched the tape! I'm sure she will be very proud of this moment being on the Internet and also, not so much want to show her kids).

The topic was Larry's... errr... hobbies now that he is newly retired.

Before we get into this, let me just say that I have known for a very long time that the Dykshorns were people of deep and finely wrought rituals. I'm not just talking rituals in the broader sense (marriages, funerals, graduations - those things that are NORMALLY ritualistic behavior). But they are creatures of very meticulous habit in the everyday world. Like an infant having a bedtime routine, there is something very comforting about these rituals.

I once witnessed 4 Dykshorn men eating ears of corn at the same time. It was like they were all in some sort of trance. Stick in the corn holder stabbie things... forkfull of butter (not knife)... smear it left to right while rotating the corn with the other hand... salt left to right while rotating the corn with the other hand... eat left to right while rotating... and there is NO sound allowed during this ritual.

Maybe that is what made Larry's story so funny - it was new and yet, I recognized it immediately.

I will tell you the story of the ritual and then you will be allowed to watch a bit of the conversation. Because that is MY little idiosyncrasy (control freakism).

There is a movie theater where Larry lives where you can get various discounts. One of the discounts involves the wearing of a tshirt with the movie theater's logo on it. This gets you unlimited free popcorn. Further, if you buy a plastic cup with the movie theater's logo on it and you bring the cup to the theater, you can get $1 refills. Larry makes a point to buy his movie theater tshirt and cup on the very first day of the year if he can - because the deal lasts the whole calendar year and you don't want to be without these items if you can help it... and then, after the year's up, the shirt makes a mighty fine top for sleeping.

There of course are deals for seniors and for the matinee. Attending a film at a nondiscounted time throws off the ritual.

Here is a little bit of the movie attending experience. Just a bit of it. You can probably well imagine the rest. This bit is called: Preparing the Popcorn.
(how about that... it has to do with corn...)

AHHH... FIRES, EARTHQUAKES, ROCK SLIDES

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Well. The car at the last second did get fixed. Ulcer 1, Cadillac 0.

The trip was breathtaking. In so many ways... seeing the kids together was magical. Becca and Roma immediately latched on to each other and watching them was like watching 2 fish swim together, in perfect rhythm.

"Mom. I am in LOVE with Roma. I am going to MARRY Roma."

"No, you can't marry your brother."

"But why not?"

Hmmm complicated. Genes - laws - birth defects - and she's an adoptee...

"Because it's just gross and wrong." (ok so what would YOU have said?!) "But it's better to have a brother anyway. Boyfriends mostly leave... brothers are forever."

So after a couple days she stopped calling him honey and started calling him bro. Okie dokey.

Vica is a different girl than she was 2 years ago - she is always smiling and has discovered she has talent as a writer - and a passion for it too.

Sarah is starting to wonder where she fits with this funky family. I should have a better answer than I do. And I will.

We went hiking around Big Sur - which was still charred from the wildfires. We went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium - which had some crazy cool exhibits. I have never seen 3 story high giant kelp, or a shark embryo with the shark growing and twitching inside, or giant octopus - if you can go, go... best aquarium ever!

The kids were largely really good on the 8 hour drive each way. We did pass some interesting rock slide passes in the very curvy 74 mile drive through the Santa Lucia Mountains. And despite the hairpin turns, nobody barfed. (but it was a close one)

Our digital camera was pronounced dead for sure, so you will have to wait a bit to see the pix of the kids and such.

Now we're back at home - Sarah's spending her last week as a 10 year old - but somehow I haven't aged for years (inside). And today there was an earthquake! Rolly chairs slid around our conference room for a few seconds. Hooray! A real California earthquake!

OK... WHAT ELSE?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

We're going on a car trip tomorrow to Carmel to see Becca's sister and brother.

The car we were going to drive is in the shop. It may or may not be done by tonight. The other car has no AC - fine for short trips around San Diego, but not for long drives. We reserved a rental car as a backup, but the rental car place closes at 5. I have meetings till 5:30.

Just before camp, I tried to take some photos with the digital camera and discovered it's broken. On the way to drop the kids off at camp, I knocked my knee into the speaker on the passenger side door and broke off the screeny looking thingie. The camp just called me to say that Becca was stung by a bee.

I'm not going to walk under any ladders...

FATHER'S DAY REVISITED

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Here's our videos from the Del Mar Fair... ah I can still smell the funnel cake.

The best entertainment wasn't really planned. It was the poor saps trying to control the ostrich that broke loose. I'm not sure the arm-waving is so effective. I think the ostrich just has to get exhausted and resigned to capture on its own before any containment is really possible. Still, I suppose they felt like they were helping...

Music: Put on Your Sunday Clothes, from "Hello Dolly" (Streisand/Crawford)

WHERE WILL YOU RELOCATE?

Friday, July 18, 2008

Don found this unbelievably funny piece - and I laughed so hard at some of it, I had to post it. The California one is completely 100% true. The Midwest one does NOT apply to Chicago - I think we should write one just for Chicago!

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food
5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can live in California where.....

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

You can live in New York City where...

1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is 'nature'.
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can live in Minnesota where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.
3. 'He needed killin'' is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob , Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where....

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It was different!'

And you can live in Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

75 YEARS OF STANDING REAAAALLLLY STILL

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Went to Pageant of the Masters today and met up with my friend Laura there.
http://www.foapom.com/site/overview_pom.asp

It is a live theater event where people act out famous paintings. It's really hard to describe so I'll show you.


Famous poster to the left being re-enacted through art and live performers below.














So they set up a scene and then light it and it looks freakishly 2-dimensional somehow and the orchestra plays some music while you say "wouldalookatthat??" to your neighbor. I don't have a clue how the people stand still for that long. When I was getting married, I had to stand still for awhile and I swear, everything itched. My nose itched and then my shoulder itched and I couldn't scratch because, well, who wants an itchy bride? I have to think these people get cramps and itches up there.

And then every once in awhile they'll have some other aspect of live performance - like a singer to accompany the orchestra, in costume that matches the period of the picture you're looking at - so there you are looking at some renaissance painting thing and the orchestra is playing and some gal is out there dressed like Bo Peep and belting out a song about older men and younger women and you're thinking... last time I had Nyquil, I dreamed something real close to this. Only Bo Peep was my aunt in the dream.

We ran into my friends Chris and Allison and their kids. They put forth a very sound theory for the origin of this Pageant. Many years ago a bunch of very expensive-wine-drunken people were hanging around Orange County and said HEY! LET'S ACT OUT FAMOUS PAINTINGS! (being the Orange County hooligans they were) There happened to be a sober Republican among them that figured they could probably charge money for this. And hence was born a long tradition of spraypainting volunteer citizens gold and making them hold up huge lit balls for 5 minutes at a shot.

I have had a summer chock full of unique art experiences. In Missouri in the resort we visited a couple weeks ago, there was lots of taxidermy. Including a badger that seemed to be smiling.

Yes this is also art. It's a dead animal that is now inanimate art, posed as if it's still living.

Pageant of the Masters is live people who are imitating inanimate art.

There were some Pageant scenes that were poses of Shakespearean play scenes. That's living people imitating art that's depicting live theater.

My head hurts from that last one.

Finally, I offer you my best idea of the night: an idea for a CSI episode inspired by Pageant of the Masters.

Think about it.

SARAH'S NEW 'DO

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Catching up on some posting - Sarah got her hair cut around June 19 right before we left for Missouri - the braid gets sent to Locks of Love tomorrow!

HAPPY 5TH OF JULY!

Did you know that the Declaration of Independence was not actually signed by most of the delegates till August 2, 1776? In typical American fashion, we jumped the gun and declared July 4 as Independence Day.


So why not wish you a happy 5th of July? Seems perfectly logical.

Yesterday we woke up. (A critical first part of the day.) Went on the dorky little neighborhood parade - which I really love. All the kids decorate their scooters and bikes with crepe paper and balloons and the Fire Dept. shows up and drives the truck real slow around the neighborhood while everyone trails along.

Our friend Kim is the GM of the local Water District - y'know they're all about everyone getting artificial turf instead of grass and not flushing toilets and things to conserve water. But she was SICK - so the fire guys hooked up the water hose and blasted all the kids for like 20 minutes. It was not so earth saving - but it was FUN. REALLY FUN. I'll tuck another $10 in the water bill or something...

Then we entertained some friends for a BBQ - they're moving into the neighborhood after a series of heartaches so it was great to get their minds on something else for awhile.

After a brief late afternoon rest - which we knew at least Becca needed because when she's tired she can't modulate her voice anymore (HEY!!!!!! (poke, poke) YOU WANT TO COLOR WITH ME????) - we headed off to one of the big fireworks displays. We decided to go up to Oceanside.

Oceanside has a really cool pier area. But for some reason, it was like someone invited everyone who had just gotten out of jail in the last 30 days, to this particular beach. Now... I never really mind this. I like to be out amongst the people. But our friends thought we were for sure going to be killed. We did come within 15 feet of live fireworks being shot off in the street on our way back to the car. Still, come on. This is the melting pot country here.

Actually that wasn't the real problem. The REAL problem was... after we had parked somewhere near Canada, the sun went down. The air temperature dropped and a thick fog developed. Otherwise known as the marine layer. Thick enough that you could not see the fireworks! It was like fireworks for the visually impaired...

I was proud of the crowd, everyone (100,000 everyones actually) just kind of walked back to their cars and went home. In the heat of Chicago downtown, such a rip-off would have been the stuff a small riot could be made of. I suppose Californians are just more laid back about stuff.