All right. All of you who know me, know I am a great fan of the people. The everyman.
So every once in awhile when I find the everyman particularly funny, I feel I am allowed to share.
Today we visited a park and planetarium in Fort Myers, FL with Baba and Zada Mitchell. It was really a fun outing. A lot to do and not so bloody hot in FL that you felt like you were melting.
I had not been to a planetarium show in at least 5 years. So I was really excited for this. I didn't realize there would be such an extra bit of entertainment up front.
I should have known what we were dealing with when we first met Alexander. We were in one of the buildings on the property looking at different cages full of snakes, crabs, baby alligators, alligator eggs incubating (eeeeeek), you know. Various creatures from wild Florida. There was a giant stuffed replica of a spider (again. eek.) and my mom wanted to know if there were any spiders in separate cages for us to see.
She asked Alexander, who was passing through: "Excuse me, are there any spiders here?"
He said, "Did you see any?"
(um, no, that's why we're asking) "No, but I was wondering if there might be any."
"Well ma'am, the building is kind of old. I wouldn't be surprised if you saw one, especially around back. We've seen some really crazy spiders here. In fact, I almost got bit -"
"No, no, I'm wondering if you have an exhibit with a live spider in it."
OK really. So when he ended up being the guy who ran the planetarium show, I was prepared for something, but you can't prepare yourself for this.
Here is a reasonable facsimile of the speech Alexander gave before the planetarium show started. I can only replicate it somewhat because at some points, I could not hear him because I was laughing too hard.
"Welcome to the planetarium. I'm Alexander and I am a naturalist. I am not a planeterary specialist, or a geocological expert, or nothing like that. So sometimes the planet show doesn't work the first time, or even the second time. Actually the planetarium is out to get me. The more people that show up - and there is a lot of you all - the more likely it is that the planet show will not work. The machine likes to make me look stupid. Hey, I'm not a computer expert, I just clean up after the gators and work the planet machine. But don't worry, I am a Marine and I will troubleshoot the show and you will get to see it.
"Now it's time for the planet show, but I usually wait 5 or 6 more minutes because every time I start on time, there's always some family that gets locked out and misses it. And why do I say locked out? Because once the planet show starts, I have to lock the doors. I can let you out, but you can't come back in. Why can't you come back in? Because it's dark in here and you might fall and hurt your arm or your nose or fall and smash your face. If you bleed, that could ruin your whole day! And I have to fill out paperwork and then everyone has to wait for me to fill out the paperwork.
"So this might be a good time for all you people to go to the bathroom because if you have to go to the bathroom during the planet show, you can't come back in."
(and seriously, a bunch people then went to the bathroom)
"The best seats are going to be way up at the top so hey you little kid in the front! You should move back because the planet machine is going to block you."
(The actual show took place on the ceiling, however, so unless you were sitting directly under the projector, any seat would have been fine.)
"Now some little kids get really afraid of the dark and think there is a boogieman in here. But I have 2 black belts fourth degree, and I am a Marine so if there are boogiemen in there I will get them, don't worry about that.
"This is seriously the best planet show I have ever seen, and some people say that the voiceover sounds familiar. She's that chick from Star Trek, New Generation. And the music is by that famous composer, Sergei Something-or-other. You know, that guy."
We ran into Alexander after the show during his break and he told us that his other job is cleaning up the alligator pen and he has to sift through the alligator poop because sometimes whole fish skeletons are in there and that's cool for the museum displays. It's a dangerous job, but hey, he's a Marine. I wish I had it on film.
When I was living with my parents, my dad would give me one of these when he thought I had procrastinated long enough at cleaning up my room or practicing the piano. Once I had a round tuit, I had no excuses and couldn't say I'll get around to it anymore!
